expert

Do You Have a Fill-In Boyfriend? How to Know & What to Do

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Often times when I sit down with a new client, we review how and with whom they are spending their time. Sometimes it is to highlight that they are not getting themselves out there at all and other times it is to highlight that perhaps the people they are spending time with are hindering their search. I am all about having healthy relationships in all areas of your life but when a client is specifically trying to meet their future partner, we often need to rearrange a few things. What I often see is that women have a fill-in boyfriend in their life, meaning a purely platonic guy-friend that they hang out with, laugh with, do activities with, confide in but are not involved wit I’ve come to learn that this type of closeness can sometimes get in the way of meeting a boyfriend because you are already getting all your needs met by this guy-friend, except for physical intimacy. You aren’t as motivated to meet a boyfriend because it’s just easier to complain to the guy-friend that you can’t meet anyone. It is just easier to go for a drink with him after work than it is to follow-up on that blind-date your co-worker wanted to set you up on.

The other “fill-in” boyfriend I see can come in the form of family commitments. I had a client who had dinner with his parents every single Friday night and for good reason; he enjoys their company. However, guess what the topic of conversation was every Friday – “so, have you met a special lady yet?”. I think it’s great to have a good relationship with your family but I often see when you have too many family commitments, it takes valuable time away from your search and often makes you feel worse about yourself. I recommend having a serious talk with your family about the IRONY around the fact they always ask when you are going to meet someone but yet you are spending all your time with them. Your family will be understanding if it’s presented in a way that you care about them a lot, still wish to spend time with them, BUT your dating life needs to be priority right now.

Take a look to see if you have any “fill-in’s” in your life right now.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

Want to Become a Certified Dating Coach and Help Others Find Love?
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Ask the Expert: Getting Back On The Dating Scene!

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Question:About a month ago, I decided I was finally ready to get back into the dating scene. The problem is that I never see any guys I am attracted to! At work they don’t really take care of themselves and then when I go out with friends, the guys are never ones I’m interested in. I feel like I’m never going to find a guy that I’m attracted to.

DL

Answer: Dear DL,

Good for you for getting back into the dating scene. First, toss this fear you have about there not being normal, attractive guys out there. It’s completely false. In fact, the opposite is true. There are plenty of men who fit that description. Now before your roll your eyes, I want you to consider how many times a day you actually look at people – no really, actually sit and view people. When you go outside on a break from work, are you playing with your phone or are you people watching? When you are on the subway, do you look around or do you immediately pull out something to read? At the gym, do you pay attention to your surroundings? I ask you all of these questions because it sounds like what you need is a a daily reminder that there ARE men around you all the time that are attractive. Yes, they may not always be Beckham-attractive or whatever your fantasy guy is, but attractive nonetheless in their own way. My challenge to you is to simply become more aware of men as you are out and about. Do not go to bed at night until you have seen at the very least one man you have found attractive that day. Challenge yourself, have fun with it. At this point, you don’t have to do anything about it like approach him, just acknowledge to yourself you found him attractive.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

Want to Become a Certified Dating Coach and Help Others Find Love?
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Ask the Expert: Mid 30s and Tired of Being Single

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Question:I’m a guy in my early 30s never married and have a problem dating anyone long term. Here’s the problem, I date people that I am somewhat attracted to rather than someone I am really attracted to. I do this because I have a hard time meeting people I am really attracted to that have the personality, drive or similar family values as myself. But after I start dating these girls, I think about wanting to date someone else who I am more attracted to. I never tell the girls I am dating because I don’t want to hurt their feelings and really they are beautiful people, but how do I get over this? Any suggestions?

Answer: It sounds like you are questioning whether beauty on the outside can be matched by beauty on the inside because it hasn’t been proven to you yet. This is a fair question. It does not mean that in the meantime you need to date women you feel somewhat attracted to though. You are toying with their hopes and plans for the future while you try to convince yourself you are attracted to them because they are good people and you don’t want to hurt their feelings. I encourage you to find a balance half-way between “somewhat” and “really” attracted to. You already know the feelings that you have when dating someone you are somewhat attracted to but dating someone you are really attracted to can also present problems. You contort yourself to impress them rather than being your true self. You essentially set yourself up for a relationship based on an alternate version of you and it’s filled with insecurity. Your balance will be in dating a woman who makes you feel good about yourself and inspires you. You think she looks hot in yoga gear but it’s her personality and values that really makes you like her. Now, go and find her!

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

Want to Become a Certified Dating Coach and Help Others Find Love?
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Ask the Expert: Too Young, Too Old: How to Know the Right Age for You

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Question:I’m in my late 30s and look like I am in my early 20s and have a hard time dating women my own age. I find there are two main reasons why they won’t date me. Either they think I am too young and don’t want a relationship (marriage, kids, etc.. ) or are afraid that in 20 years I will look way younger than them.)… What should I do? How do you know the right age for you?

Answer: The woman you are best matched with won’t have a problem with either. Dating is not about convincing someone you are right for them. She just simply won’t care about how old you look now or how young you’ll look in the future. In fact she will love that you are youthful! My suggestion is to stop seeing this as a hurdle in your dating life that you need to overcome. The only thing I would consider is altering your daily wardrobe. I recommend hiring a stylist to go through your closet to bring in more pieces that are representative of a man in his late 30’s. This will help in increasing your confidence in approaching women.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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What should I do when she is moody?

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What should I do when she is moody? Men and women both get “moody”. In fact there are studies that show men have “their time of the month too” which I’ll get into in a future Blog. Men have asked me recently how to effectively handle a woman’s bad mood. My advice is aimed at helping you understand and effectively be there for women who are occasionally moody.

A guy needs to remember not to unintentionally reward her for being in a bad mood. If you tip-toe around her, cow-tow to her every demand and are super, extra, extra nice, you risk getting caught in the cross-fire and BECOMING the problem. I’m not encouraging you to avoid being kind and understanding, just don’t go over the top. Authors, Louis & Copeland suggest these excellent keys for handling a woman’s bad mood:

1) Acknowledge it: “Had a bad day?”, “Not feeling so good today?”, “Having a rough time?” 2) Show a little compassion for her mood. The key here is to never try to solver her problem. Just listen to her and show a little compassion. You might say: “Sounds rough. I know how bad a bad mood can be.” “Wow, I’m sorry you are having a hard time” 3) Stay upbeat. This is critical. You must go on with your life, little affected by her bad mood. You shouldn’t do this in a sarcastic or overly enthusiastic manner: just make it clear her mood is not going to change yours. 4) Step aside as soon as possible. If she’s really down, she’ll either want to sort it out with your help or sort it out alone. If she wants your help, DON’T immediately offer solutions, just ask her clarifying questions so she can get clear on what she’s upset about. Examples are: "Sounds pretty intense. Tell me more if you want to." or "Is there anything that I can say or do that would help?"

By following these steps to the letter, you will greatly minimize any frustration felt by either of you.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Ask the Expert: Expert Online Dating Photo Tips

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Question:I am so new to this whole online dating thing. I’ve got my profile somewhat written but I don’t seem to have any good pictures of myself. Most of them are old or with friends/family. Do you have online dating photo tips on what to do without spending a fortune on a photographer?

Answer:

If you are single and looking, online dating needs to be part of your repertoire. In North America alone, there are more than 50 million singles registered with online dating sites, making tech-romance an integral part of today’s culture.

When working with date coaching clients, the first thing I assess on their profile is their photo.

They must receive an ‘A’ Grade or we can’t move forward. Yup, it’s THAT important.

Here are my recommendations on ensuring an ‘A’ Grade on your photo:

1. Go through all of your photos that have been taken within the last year. 2. Create a folder in your documents entitled, “ME FAVORITES”. 3. Put any photo of yourself in there that you like. Make sure they are just photos of you and no one else. There are some exceptions if you can cleanly cut out a friend who is standing next to you but you don’t want a picture of you with a random body-less arm around your shoulders. 4. If you don’t currently have photos of yourself, put a call out to friends or family members who might have photos of you on their camera. 5. If you have a Facebook profile, double check it to see if there are any good photos that might have been tagged of you. 6. Get every last picture you find organized into your “ME FAVORITES” folder.

Still no photos of yourself that you like?

Book a time with a friend, family member or co-worker. Maybe there is someone in your network who has always been good at taking photos. If you still can’t think of anyone, go onto Craigslist and peruse the ads for photographers looking to build portfolios. You may even get a free session. With this said though: do-not-sign-up-for-a-cheesy-portrait-session.

For the fun photo session, here are the tips:

1. Get dressed up in your favorite outfits and experiment with a few different looks. Try sassy, serious, fun, and approachable. Don’t be over the top with your poses. A great smile is most attractive. 2. Your aim is to get two good pictures, one a close up of your face and one a full body shot. It may take 60 photos before you find one you like, but make sure the one you select is a fair representation of who you really are. 3. Avoid wearing black. Wear red or have it in the background. This will really help your photo stand out. 4. Try various settings and lighting until you think you’ve really got it. 5. A good way to get a full body shot is to have your friend stand on a stool slightly above you so that you can look up toward the camera. Don’t look down; this isn’t flattering for anyone. 6. If you need to add a 3rd photo, make it an action shot of you hiking or biking or engaging in some activity outside of posing. 7. Please don’t use a webcam. 8. Don’t crop or scribble people out of your photos 9. Ladies, try not to pose with a baby in an effort to show how great of a mother you’d be (or are). That goes for you too guys, no posing with babies. 10. One last thing: Ladies, if you pose “pouty” or sexy, don’t get mad when men contact you just for sex. Men are only responding to your photo so be accountable for that.

Overall, you want your photo to be warm and inviting and show the authentic you.

Don’t try to look like someone you’re not or don’t only post photos of you looking your absolute best.

And remember, your ultimate goal is to transfer you from online to offline dating so choose photos that are attractive but realistic to who you are on a daily basis.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

Want to Become a Certified Dating Coach and Help Others Find Love?
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Do You Have The Right Dating “Vibe”?

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I’ve been coaching single women for over 12 years and there are two traits that tend to come up quite often. Either a woman is having trouble dating because she comes across as Desperate or she comes across as Detached. The right dating "vibe" is imperative to attracting the kind of guy that you're looking for. First, let’s talk about coming across as Desperate. It’s easy to think of someone you know that gives off that vibe but what about yourself? Think back on your dating history and ask yourself if there are times you may have come across as an el desperado? (Don’t make yourself feel bad though – just observe) Did you panic if a guy didn’t call you back? Did you call the phone company to see if there was something wrong with your phone? Did you take huge offense if the guy you’re dating heads to the baseball game with his buddies and doesn’t take you?

When men speak to me about women who they have met who come across as desperate, they have said things like:

“Well I asked for her phone number and then she was asking me all these questions about when I was going to call and if I needed a back up number and that if she doesn’t pick up to leave a message” You may be familiar with that scene from the movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You”

Guys pick up on this desperate vibe and it’s a huge turn-off so don’t underestimate it. It’s definitely an area that you cannot outsmart men in – they smell the desperado vibe from across the room. (Just like women pick up on it with men)

Having a Detached vibe is something entirely different.

Many women I have coached came to me with a bit of a flippant attitude about dating and men. They complained that no men ever approached them. I sensed right away that they didn’t exhibit any intrigue. It wasn’t that these women were not totally interesting with really cool lives, but they had developed this huge wall around them that pushed men away. They thought they were engaged in meeting men but they weren’t. I would sometimes see this at my speed-dating events years ago where women would make the effort to sign up for an event, get dressed up and then once they arrived they gave off a vibe that they could care less if they met anyone.

I’m here to say that it is not a sign of weakness to show in a warm and somewhat subtle way that you are open to meeting someone to date. It’s okay! Being detached will only create stress and cause you to miss so many opportunities to meet men that you are presented with.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

Want to Become a Certified Dating Coach and Help Others Find Love?
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Ask the Expert: Are All Women Gold-diggers?

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Question:I hear women talking a lot about how they want to marry a guy who is super rich. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been on a date with a woman and she’s directly, or indirectly, asking questions about my financial status. It’s a little disheartening when I feel like they are just looking at my wallet. Is this true for ALL women? Are all women gold-diggers?

Answer: Most women are looking for a sense of security but let me first clarify that this doesn’t necessarily always refer to a money thing. There are silly rumors out there that all women are wallet-shoppers and this has made men feel insecure or frustrated about measuring up. I believe you have just happened to date a lot of women who define security through bank statements.  There are just as many women who define security in other ways.

We want to feel like you are our rock and that you have your life somewhat in balance. It traces back to our desire to feel safe with you. As women, emotional and passionate beings, we tend to seek out stability, emotional stability, to balance out in our often roller-coaster like lives.

Security can be expressed by you in having a sense of what your goals are and where your passions lie. Take time to think about this so you can easily articulate when opportunities arise on dates. A man that doesn’t have a general idea of where his passions lie or where his goals lie is something we question and hence, we don’t feel secure with you.

Security can be expressed through initiative too. A guy who doesn’t take initiative is not attractive to us. Yes, I know there may be a ton of reasons why you don’t take initiative and we can get into that another time but initiative is huge.

Security also comes with being responsible when things don’t go right. If you screw up, who cares? Accept blame, fix the problem and move on. Be responsible for your mistakes and not only will you feel like more of a man but women will notice. A man who is consistently placing blame on others is another way we don’t feel secure with you.

So here is a summary of all the ways women look for security within a budding or established relationship. I believe that once you focus on providing women with an authentic sense of security around you, you will stop attracting those who are solely looking at your wallet’s security.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

Want to Become a Certified Dating Coach and Help Others Find Love?
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Ask the Expert: Dear Miss Independent

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Question:I really like my independent life but I would also like to be in a relationship. I’m having a hard time communicating this on dates and I think it’s the reason some guys don’t call me back after the 1st date. I don’t want men to get intimidated by me but I don’t want to hide how great I am. Help!

Miss Independent

Answer: Dear Miss Independent,

As a single lady, independence is something you have gotten used to right? Some days you love your independence and other days you loathe it, I know. As a single woman you get very used to doing things on your own like exercise, traveling or fixing stuff around the house. You become more and more self-sufficient despite your desire to have a man in your life.

It can sometimes be difficult because as you are spending time alone, you spend a significant amount of time thinking about wanting a boyfriend. You may even do up a vision board about him, dream about him and wonder endlessly where he is.

And then he appears…… and you have a date with him. Yay! You’re excited and meet up with him for drinks. Here enters the problem. You spend the entire date going on and on about how independent you are and how you don’t really NEED anyone! You wonder why he never calls again.

This is one of the topics I cover in my workshops. Men need to feel needed! It’s simple. Where does he fit in your life if you come off as fiercely independent?

Okay, a similar mistake is the women that have intensely busy schedules but have a strong desire to meet a guy. You know these women and you might even be one. They love to go on and on and on about how busy their lives are whenever they’re given a chance. They start every voice mail or every email with “oh my gosh, I’ve been so busy” or “things are crazy, when are we meeting again?”, or something similar – you know what I mean.

When you are out on a date with a guy, of course he wants to hear about the things that are going on in your life but he doesn’t want to be consistently reminded that he’s going to be somewhere down the line of priorities. Don’t mistake this for a man’s need to have a bit of challenge. He wants to be involved in your life, not a convenient add-on. When a guy asks you out on a date, don’t list off all the times you are not available. Take a moment to pause and focus on the times you are available and name a few.

Be okay with showing your openness to sharing your life. It’s what you ultimately want, right?

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

Want to Become a Certified Dating Coach and Help Others Find Love?
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Ask the Expert: Do Women Really Like “The Funny Guy”?

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Question:Hi Christine,

I know that women really like it when a guy has a good sense of humor but what does that really mean? I consider myself a funny guy. I have noticed though that sometimes when I’m interacting with women my humour works as an ice-breaker and other times it doesn’t. What do you think I’m doing wrong?

DM

Answer: Dear DM,

Much like you men we, women, truly do love to laugh. If you can make us laugh, you automatically become more attractive to us. Humor is huge and is a key ingredient in the success of long-term relationships.  Really, if you can’t laugh together, forget about it, it’s not going to work – you will only get on each other’s nerves.

When first getting to know a woman, your style of humor needs to show self-esteem and confidence. Even giving yourself a back-handed compliment is great. Be charming and be a bit cheeky.

Do not, under any circumstances use self-deprecating humor. It only causes us to actually see you in that very light. I remember a gentleman joking to a client of mine about his lack of sexual prowess and even though he was just joking,  it was a huge turn-off to her. You could just tell he was somewhat serious and this became the only thing she could think about for the rest of the date. Her desire to kiss him went from an 8 to a zero.

So I repeat, “do not cut yourself down in front of us and try to pass it off as a joke”

One of the best ways to express humor is through teasing us. We love it and it makes us feel like you are paying attention to our uniqueness. Winks, nudges, and placing your arm around us while you playfully make fun of our need to read every item on the menu before we can decide are all ways to express humor.

Bottom line. Keep it light and flirtatious. Do not go into the dark side, do not put yourself or her down and make sure you are tasteful in your timing.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

Want to Become a Certified Dating Coach and Help Others Find Love?
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Ask the Expert: Are You A “One Upper”?

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Question:Guys seem to be intimidated by me. I’ve had this problem for as long as I can remember. Men really don’t say much around me – either on dates or just meeting them in general. The last guy I dated seemed pretty talkative in the beginning but became more and more quiet. I’m pretty confident and have lots going on so I’m not really sure why this always seems to happen. What do you think? Am I a "one upper" and just don't realize it?

Answer: There could be a chance you are “Trumping Men’s Stories”

When you are first interacting with a guy, you have a tendency to want to impress him. Every story he shares seems like an opportunity for you to relate or share a similar story. Often times though, we end up “trumping men’s stories” rather than truly being interested and it’s a real turn-off.

Here’s an example of what I mean: You invite a guy you are casually dating over to your house for dinner. He goes to the liquor store on his way over to your place and picks up a bottle of red wine. He tells you that he took time to pick it out and says that his friend recommended it. You quickly thank him but you are more interested in saying, “oh, I’ve been to that winery, it’s gorgeous, my ex and I visited it when we were there for a golf tournament, blah, blah, blah.” Rather than acknowledging him for his efforts, you were focused on impressing him.

Here’s another example of what I mean: You are out on a date with a guy and he begins to talk about how he is starting to pick up running. He has barely finished one sentence about it and you launch into how you ran 3 half-marathons last year. I know you are trying to relate to him and innocently show him ‘how much you have in common’ but that’s not the way to do it. Here again, your desire to impress him has actually undermined him and his desire to share himself with you.

If this sounds like you, my suggestion to help you ween off of the trumping is to just become aware of it and the next time you see yourself doing it, stop and ask him a question to snap yourself out of it. Your reward will be a more communicative guy who enjoys sharing with you rather than a guy who slowly starts sharing less and less because he always gets trumped.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

Want to Become a Certified Dating Coach and Help Others Find Love?
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Ask the Expert: How to Play the Field & Should I have "3 on the Go?"

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Question:Christine,

I’ve heard that you’ve mentioned this concept of always having "3 on the go.” I’m not really comfortable with dating more than one guy at a time. Isn’t it basically cheating?

Answer: The reason I recommend that many of my date coaching clients have “3 on the go” is because it really helps you keep perspective.

Allow me to breakdown a typical dating scenario. You meet a guy, you think he’s ‘okay, but you’re “not sure”… Then you continue dating him for months in an effort to “give him a chance” or uncover some lost portion of him that would make him perfect. That’s when you get into the head space that you need to make this work because there might not be other guys out there that are as good as he is, and he’s pretty “okay”. So, you try to overlook things that aren’t working…and so on, and so on.

Meanwhile the reality is that 6 months have flown by and you spent all of that time focused on one ‘kinda, sorta’ relationship prospect. Now if you had 3 on the go, you would have kept perspective and really considered what was and was not working for you with each man.

Don’t worry, I am not suggesting you become intimate with all 3 men! If you decide to take on this approach I recommend that you follow some basic rules of honesty. You will, and should, steal some kisses here and there but you should also openly express that you are casually dating other people. You will naturally gravitate to and spend more time with the guy who you feel best about and at that time you will have a conversation about exclusivity. This generally corresponds with conversations around getting intimate. This effective approach means you are being honest (you are telling the men you are dating that you are dating others), being proactive and keeping your options open until you are truly sure, not kinda-sorta sure.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

Want to Become a Certified Dating Coach and Help Others Find Love?
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Ask the Expert: “I’m Nervous When It Comes To the Approach”

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Question:I consider myself a pretty confident guy. I enjoy my career, I take good care of myself and have lots of friends. The problem is I get super nervous around women I’m attracted to. When I get the nerve to approach,  I don’t act like myself at all and I think they are looking at me like I’m a loser. I know I’ve missed a lot of opportunities because of this but I don’t know how to get better at it. Help!

Answer: We build up this inner dialogue on how we are not good at approaching women.

The truth is, it is a learned skill that requires time.

Below are your Three Basic Steps. Follow them and you will start to conquer your fear of approaching women.

Step #1 Passing Eye Contact:

The first thing you need to get under control is comfort when approaching women. You need to get yourself to a point where you can walk up to a woman and start talking to her without turning into an emotional wreck.

If you’re freaked out on the inside, it’s going to be pretty hard for you to act “normal” on the outside. It’s going to be even harder to try new things and use techniques if you aren’t able to relax a little.

Start to face your fear of approaching by simply smiling at women. Not a big teeth smile but more of a smile with your eyes and subtly with your mouth. It’s like a smile that exudes an appreciation for her beauty and nothing more. You can do this as you walk by on the street. It’s refreshing for a woman. You will eventually get yourself to a spot where you will smile AND say “Hi” …but one thing at a time.

Step #2 Passing Eye Contact & “Hi” combo:

Next, try to keep eye contact with a woman while you are smiling and then say “Hi”.

Again, you can do this as you walk by and you are going to commit to doing this A LOT until you beat your fear of women being unapproachable. A couple extra seconds of eye contact when saying “Hi” will do.

Step #3 Say something

Now try the next level. Go someplace like a coffee shop, grocery store or bookstore. At a coffee shop for example, most people need to visit the cream and sugar table. This is where you can have eye contact, then say “Hi”, then take a deep breath and make a comment or ask a question.

Keep it simple, comment about the environment or how much you love your morning coffee. You can do it! Don’t worry about starting a lengthy conversation; you are just wanting to progress from “Hi” and involve a few more words.

If she is responsive, ask her if she lives in the area or if she’s visiting. Ask her what her name is — simple stuff. Men worry about coming across as creepy at this point and as long as you are just being genuine and fun, she will enjoy the interaction while you practice your skills.

With practice, these 3 steps will aid you in overcoming your fear of approaching women. Try it out and let me know how it goes!

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

Want to Become a Certified Dating Coach and Help Others Find Love?
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Ask the Expert: Is Online Dating Right For Me?

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Question: Dear Christine,

 

After being in a long term relationship for 2 years and then taking a year to get over the breakup, I’m finally ready to get back out into the dating scene and want to meet someone serious. I’ve heard a lot about online dating, but just not sure if it’s for me? Do online dating sites really work, are there tips you can share for how to ensure success when filtering through the sea of weirdo’s and delinquents? Or are there other dating methods / services you would suggest? Is online dating right for me?

Many Thanks, Online Dating Skeptic

Answer: Dear Online Skeptic,

Despite our aversion, online dating is here to stay. When you’re single, it will serve you better to learn how to be a good and efficient online dater rather than ignoring it and wishing it would just go away. Online Dating is increasing in popularity every year. Experiencing success online is a science though and requires you to develop some new skills. No one goes online and experiences mountains of success right away. It requires a thoughtful strategy that minimizes frustration and increases effectiveness.

Here are a few small tips:

1. To get a really good feel for online dating, I suggest signing up on 3 websites for 90 days. At the end of the 90 days, you are either going to be in a successful relationship or you are going to really know which website works best for you and can drop the sites you aren’t enjoying as much.

2. When you are creating a profile, be honest but keep it short. Be honest about your goals – if you are looking for something serious, don’t shy away from coming right out and saying it in a positive and light way. Too often I see people wanting to be in a long-term, committed relationship but their profile says something like “oh, I’m just looking to meet new people”.

3. Don’t go on about what you ‘don’t’ want, only talk about what you do want and what you have to offer. Don’t write what you think people want to hear. When choosing your photos, don’t have more than 3 or 4 and make sure you include one that is a close-up of your face and one that is a full body shot.

4. When you are interacting with people online, follow your instincts. Let your creep-o-meter guide your decisions. Don’t feel bad about jumping to conclusions when all his photos are with other women or his profile contains a lot of sexual references.

There really are some great people looking for love online but part of the science is developing the patience to weed through the ‘no’s’.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Ask the Expert: Am I Attracting Duds?

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Question:Dear Christine,

I’m looking for Mr. Right, but keep meeting Mr. Wrong! Seriously, I feel like I keep on attracting duds. I know the perfect mate may not exist and compromise is a must, but how much should I be willing to compromise? My faith in the male species is slowly dwindling, their lack of chivalry, consideration and general lack of knowledge when it comes to what women want is discouraging and exhausting. I swear I meet all of the duds out there. The guys I meet are so high maintenance, needing so much direction in how to be romantic, or thoughtful…I feel more like their teachers then their equal. I wonder if this is because I’m dating guys that are too young (early 20’s) and maybe should be looking for more mature guys?

Please Help, Looking For My Equal

Answer: Dear Looking For My Equal,

First, relationships are not about compromise. Compromise means someone or both people in the relationship are making a sacrifice. Healthy long-term relationships are based on creating ‘deals’ where both partners feel they got the better end of the deal. For example, if something you need in a relationship is more chivalry than you actually say it very directly, “what I’d love is more chivalry.” It doesn’t stop there though. You will then give him examples of what chivalry looks like for you rather than making him guess – like does it mean opening car doors or walking you to your door, or both? Be specific. Then, the next time he expresses chivalry, you take time to acknowledge it. Men want to know what works for you and what makes you happy. I suspect that you have been giving direction but perhaps not expressing appreciation equally or maybe not seeing his unique forms of chivalry. Ask for what you need and then when you receive it, take time to appreciate it.

What might be coming off as ‘general lack of knowledge’ is more about his relationship history than it is about you. I want you to apply my advice but I also want you to try dating different types of guys. Mix it up a little bit. Make a point of going out with a guy you find attractive but you would never normally consider. From your question, it looks like you are dating a lot of the same type of guy.

Don’t lose faith in the male species, they really do want to see you smiling and happy…..they just want you to be more vocal on what makes you happy and what works specifically for you. Every woman is different so we can’t expect them to ‘just know’. ‘Just knowing’ comes over time in a relationship after a lot of open communication.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Ask the Expert: Are We Really “Just Friends”?

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Question:I have a dilemma. There is this guy who I recently befriended and we spend a lot of time together. We consider ourselves to be just friends. He texts ME everyday, and due to our busy schedules, makes it a point to hang out with me every weekend (just as friends). He waits for me after work and is just an all around gentlemen. After a month of spending time with him, I started developing feelings for him and I told him that. I told him that I really cared for him and that I liked him, but that I couldn’t be in a committed relationship since I am trying to focus on graduating and establishing a life after college. When I asked him how he felt about me, he responded that he sees us just as friends. It was a mature conversation, and I told him I could accept that. However, he still continues to call me everyday and spend time with me. He even made me a 10 minute long video on Youtube for Valentine’s Day. I am SO confused!! He is showing all the signs of interest, without actually being interested (I think). Also, important to know: He is super Christian and has never dated. I am atheist and have had a few flings in my past, but I’ve been honest and told him about all of this. Could that be the problem? Can you explain what is going on in this crazy man’s head (Or maybe I’m crazy)?

Answer: Neither of you are crazy. It sounds like he is experimenting with being close to a woman. He has feelings for you and is interested for sure but is saving face because you told him you didn’t want a committed relationship first. He is also likely trying to balance his attraction to you with your conflicting religious beliefs. Given all of this, he is okay with not taking things to the next level (physical or otherwise), he just wants to be romantic. Let him do this. Let him treat you well. Then in a few weeks, check in with him, ask him how he is doing. Say, “you are treating me like I’m your girlfriend even though we are not dating – we need to define what is going on”. Don’t leave the conversation until both of you are clear.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Ask the Expert: Does Everyone Have Trust Issues?

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Question:Okay, out of the 4 men I’ve just started talking to online (in the past 2 days), 2 of them dealt with trust issues in their last relationship. One guy’s wife cheated on him after 12 years of marriage. Another guy was in a 3 year relationship that ended because of trust and insecurity issues (don’t have the whole story).

Is this normal? Or do I have trust issues I need to work out / help others work out? From the last guy, Roger, I’ve learned I’ve got to trust my Self. Isn’t that enough?

Answer: Yes, in my experience, many people have trust issues. Totally normal. The problem we face is that we try to take it on as a problem in their history WE need to fix FOR THEM. Too quickly, we become a reluctant therapist when the goal in dating is just to start getting to know each other. Trust issues can definitely find a level of healing within a relationship but really, the issues need to be addressed outside of the relationship. The issues developed outside of this current potential relationship so need to be worked on outside. If you take it on yourself, you can end up tip toeing around, afraid to even look at another man without triggering a fight. Within reason, I would have an open discussion about what triggers him and within that discussion, talk about what triggers you. This is a fair and open way to discuss respectful behavior.

Not all men have trust issues. There are plenty of men who have committed to working through their stuff before trying to get into another relationship. And there are also plenty of men who are working on their stuff outside of the relationship with a coach or therapist so that it has little effect on the current relationship. They know it’s about them, not you, and they take this on.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Ask the Expert: Why Are Men Doing Things To Hurt My Feelings?

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Question:Why does it always seem like men are doing things to hurt my feelings?

Answer: There is this assumption out there that men KNOW the right thing to do but are purposely being difficult or purposely doing things to make us mad or upset. Ladies, this isn’t true. Men wake up in the morning ‘hoping’ they won’t upset you. I want you to try this perspective on:Men always have a reason behind their behaviors.

Pause on that thought.

We can spend our days thinking that men around us are going out of their way to make our lives more difficult. It just simply isn’t true. This mentality is everywhere and really, we need to consider they might have a reason for everything they do. As I say, that is the cool thing about men, they always have a REASON behind their behavior but often don’t reveal it. Yes, this causes frustration for women. I heard a story once of 2 women and 1 man who were trying to book a business coffee meeting off-site. The man suggested they meet at a coffee shop near his house and automatically the 2 women were exchanging emails about how selfish that was and how come he couldn’t suggest a location a little more central for everyone. Then one of the ladies decided to just ask: “WHY, did you choose that particular coffee shop?” The man replied, “My wife has a heart condition and this coffee shop is the only place in the city that serves true decaf coffee. Since she is attending the coffee meeting with us, I wanted her to be able to enjoy a coffee too”

By simply asking a WHY question, a whole new perspective opened up.

So anytime you are feeling frustrated, I encourage you to move away from assumptions and move toward asking WHY.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Ask the Expert: Be An Authentic “Life of the Party”

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Question:I attend singles events quite a bit and I feel like I’m trying and making an effort but I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong. I went to 3 events last week and none of the men asked for my number.  I'm tired of not being the life of the party. I’m frustrated – what is going on?

Answer: I suspect you are coming up against a hurdle many singles face. You are going through the motions without any “emotion”. For example, let’s say you go to a single’s event and during your car ride there, you’ve already decided that you’re not going to meet any interesting men. So, you allow these thoughts to guide your night and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You become the woman who is really, really good at signing up for events and you may think that is all it takes. That charge of signing up, needs to be carried through the entire event – you need to be happy to be there. Years ago, when I was hosting some singles events, I would see women gather in a corner and talk about how there are no single men in their town. Meanwhile another group of women that were open-minded and choosing to focus on fun, were surrounded by men. Ask yourself if the friends you attend singles events with have a negative influence on you. Are they the type of friends who are quick to point out the negative? Surround yourself with women who want to go to events and are committed to having fun regardless of whether they meet their future boyfriend/husband there. When you are at the event, be there, actually be there – not ‘I’m checking my phone every 10 minutes but I’m physically at the event’. That doesn’t count and that is what I’m referring to when I say going through the motions without emotions. I’d rather see women go to a singles event for 1 hour and fully engage, than 4 hours and be half-present. It keeps things both efficient and fun.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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