Ask the Expert: I'm Low on the Priority List


Question:I've met a man who I like a lot - he has grown kids and a 6yr old from his last marriage. The problem is I'm never a priority. He feels we WORK because I FIT IN-meaning I don't complain when our weekend is at the build-a-bear store. I've noticed when he has his 6yr old, he totally ignores me. When we discuss this problem, he offers to do anything I want on Tuesday nights as she is busy that night but not on Fridays as he prefers to see as much of her as he can. Is this selfish on my part as I knew she was part of the package but didn't know she was all of the package. I sure wish I hadn't fallen for this guy so hard.

Sharing Time

Answer: Dear ST,

It sounds like you have developed some pretty strong feelings for this guy.

It is a good thing he has a strong bond with his 6 year old but it sounds like his time with her is something you discuss far too frequently. The fact he spends Fridays with her and Tuesdays with you does not need to be a point of contention. Unfortunately it currently is because of the way it is presented where you are always left feeling like a second choice.

I encourage you to step back and really look at what you are getting out of this relationship. Everything you mentioned is about you compromising yourself. Is that what you want? I didn't think so. Increase your communication even further on the topic, specifically stating how you care for him and his daughter, but in order for the relationship to continue to grow, you need to rise up on his priority list, not just "easily fit in". Stand up for yourself, you are not a woman who deserves to be "totally ignored". He likely is not aware at how deeply this is affecting you.

Remember, you teach people how to treat you, ie: if you don't mention anything about spending a weekend at the build-a-bear store, he will assume you enjoyed yourself.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

Want to Become a Certified Dating Coach and Help Others Find Love?