Ask the Expert: Dear Miss Independent

Question:I really like my independent life but I would also like to be in a relationship. I’m having a hard time communicating this on dates and I think it’s the reason some guys don’t call me back after the 1st date. I don’t want men to get intimidated by me but I don’t want to hide how great I am. Help!

Miss Independent

Answer: Dear Miss Independent,

As a single lady, independence is something you have gotten used to right? Some days you love your independence and other days you loathe it, I know. As a single woman you get very used to doing things on your own like exercise, traveling or fixing stuff around the house. You become more and more self-sufficient despite your desire to have a man in your life.

It can sometimes be difficult because as you are spending time alone, you spend a significant amount of time thinking about wanting a boyfriend. You may even do up a vision board about him, dream about him and wonder endlessly where he is.

And then he appears…… and you have a date with him. Yay! You’re excited and meet up with him for drinks. Here enters the problem. You spend the entire date going on and on about how independent you are and how you don’t really NEED anyone! You wonder why he never calls again.

This is one of the topics I cover in my workshops. Men need to feel needed! It’s simple. Where does he fit in your life if you come off as fiercely independent?

Okay, a similar mistake is the women that have intensely busy schedules but have a strong desire to meet a guy. You know these women and you might even be one. They love to go on and on and on about how busy their lives are whenever they’re given a chance. They start every voice mail or every email with “oh my gosh, I’ve been so busy” or “things are crazy, when are we meeting again?”, or something similar – you know what I mean.

When you are out on a date with a guy, of course he wants to hear about the things that are going on in your life but he doesn’t want to be consistently reminded that he’s going to be somewhere down the line of priorities. Don’t mistake this for a man’s need to have a bit of challenge. He wants to be involved in your life, not a convenient add-on. When a guy asks you out on a date, don’t list off all the times you are not available. Take a moment to pause and focus on the times you are available and name a few.

Be okay with showing your openness to sharing your life. It’s what you ultimately want, right?

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Ask the Expert: Are You A “One Upper”?

Question:Guys seem to be intimidated by me. I’ve had this problem for as long as I can remember. Men really don’t say much around me – either on dates or just meeting them in general. The last guy I dated seemed pretty talkative in the beginning but became more and more quiet. I’m pretty confident and have lots going on so I’m not really sure why this always seems to happen. What do you think? Am I a "one upper" and just don't realize it?

Answer: There could be a chance you are “Trumping Men’s Stories”

When you are first interacting with a guy, you have a tendency to want to impress him. Every story he shares seems like an opportunity for you to relate or share a similar story. Often times though, we end up “trumping men’s stories” rather than truly being interested and it’s a real turn-off.

Here’s an example of what I mean: You invite a guy you are casually dating over to your house for dinner. He goes to the liquor store on his way over to your place and picks up a bottle of red wine. He tells you that he took time to pick it out and says that his friend recommended it. You quickly thank him but you are more interested in saying, “oh, I’ve been to that winery, it’s gorgeous, my ex and I visited it when we were there for a golf tournament, blah, blah, blah.” Rather than acknowledging him for his efforts, you were focused on impressing him.

Here’s another example of what I mean: You are out on a date with a guy and he begins to talk about how he is starting to pick up running. He has barely finished one sentence about it and you launch into how you ran 3 half-marathons last year. I know you are trying to relate to him and innocently show him ‘how much you have in common’ but that’s not the way to do it. Here again, your desire to impress him has actually undermined him and his desire to share himself with you.

If this sounds like you, my suggestion to help you ween off of the trumping is to just become aware of it and the next time you see yourself doing it, stop and ask him a question to snap yourself out of it. Your reward will be a more communicative guy who enjoys sharing with you rather than a guy who slowly starts sharing less and less because he always gets trumped.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

Want to Become a Certified Dating Coach and Help Others Find Love?
Click Here to Get Your FREE DATE COACH STARTER KIT!