dating etiquette

Ask the Expert: Five Reasons the First Date Failed


Question:I meet a lot of girls and don’t have a problem getting a first date. The thing is that things rarely get past the first date. My friends have joked that I am the King of First Dates. I honestly don’t know why this is and it’s getting frustrating. I need reasons why the first date failed... and continues to fail.

Answer: There could be a number of things going on. I thought we’d first start with some of the very basics and you can make sure you aren’t doing any of these. Once you find these are covered, we can move on to what else might be going on. These are common first date

1) You were late

Being late can set a tone for the date that we just can’t shake. As women, we try to get past it but somewhere in our brain, we are thinking “unreliable, unreliable, unreliable”. My advice to you is, at least 30 minutes before you are to meet up, check in with yourself to see if you can honestly make it on time. Put an alarm in your phone to remind yourself. If there is absolutely no way because of unexpected traffic, or an emergency work commitment, pick up the phone and say something like, “Hi (date), I’m calling to let you know that I am going to be late and I apologize. I will see you at 7:30 instead of 7:00. I’m sorry about this and I’m looking forward to seeing you.” You don’t need to go into the reasons why you are making a “late call”. Just get to the point and be apologetic. She will appreciate the advanced warning and you might catch her before she’s left her house or at least before she gets to the date location – giving her the option to maybe pop into a bookstore or other shop nearby. The key is NOT to call her at 7:00 (agreed meeting time) saying you will be there at 7:30.

2) You’re too attached to your Mobile

I could go on about phone etiquette but the point I want to make is that dates are all about the opportunity to be with a woman face-to-face. She deserves to be your centre of attention and, that IS what she wants. Clear up your outside commitments before the date. If you absolutely, positively have to answer a call from the office at some point, then let her know in advance that a call may come in. When it does, keep it short, then turn your phone off and immediately pick up the conversation where you left off rather than going into detail about what the call was about – especially if it’s stressful. Just take a deep breath and switch gears back to the date.

3) You stressed the negatives

We’re really only interested in hearing about things you are good at. If you are poking fun at yourself, make sure it’s light and positive. Here’s an example of what not to say: “You’re a really good dancer, I don’t know why you’d want to hang out with me.” Here’s an example of what to say: “Wow, I’m a lucky guy to hang out with such a good dancer – where did you say you took your lessons?”. Subtle change but it has an entirely different affect on women.

4) You made her your therapist

You got so comfortable with us that you started to open up. Before you knew it, you were giving us details on your ex-girlfriends and some of the problems you struggled with. We’re not interested in helping you work out your past relationship problems while we’re on a date with you. You may get mixed signals from us because of our natural interest in relationships but it’s best you just steer completely away from talking about your own past relationships.

5) You kept commiserating instead of connecting

I see this a lot, especially in the online dating community. Some of the first questions you ask when you meet offline is to talk about all the horrible online dates you’ve been on. Let me say this, commiserating is NOT to be confused with connecting. Spending an entire date talking about how hard dating can be is totally counterproductive. Connect on positive aspects of your lives, not negative aspects.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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