Truths, Topics and Break Ups

Blame it on the millennial generation, or the technology that sometimes creates more space between people than it does bring them together, but there’s a problem with the way that people are breaking up. This one problem has led to a lot of cut and dry separations, unresolved relationship issues and even the new break up phenomenon, “ghosting.” Ghosting, for those of you who don’t already know, is the act of essentially disappearing from someone’s life. Instead of breaking up or discussing the reasons the relationship (or friendship) isn’t working, one or both people disappear out of the other’s life. The problem that I want to talk to you about today is how many people work to avoid certain truths, or entire topics, as a break up approaches – and even during the break up.

Recently I wrote about the idea of closure. More specifically, I wrote about how sometimes you’re forced to create your own closure because the other person isn’t willing, or sometimes able, to give it to you. Today’s blog post goes hand-in-hand with closure in a way. If more people felt more compelled to honour their relationship for what it was, even during a separation, I believe a whole lot more men and women would have a much easier time finding the closure they seek. Here are three critical steps to making that happen.

1. Know That There’s Power in Truth

People often avoid the truth to spare the feelings of the other person or themselves. Sometimes, it’s to avoid feelings of guilt. Other times, it’s simply to speed things up or keep things simple. For the most part, I understand why people fib, but, when this happens during very important times – such as a relationship argument or break up – it has major repercussions. Neither partner may truly get what they need to get out of the break up. Closure may become a lost cause. There could be ongoing hurt feelings. You get the idea.

I encourage you to acknowledge the power that exists in truth. Whether you seek it or share it, it’s a crucial element in closing one chapter of your life and beginning another. It can be difficult and trying, so I also encourage you to enter into all conversations with an open heart, empathy and a willingness to listen. Some opening words can be, "this is difficult for me to say (reveal truth)" or "It's not my intention to hurt you but (reveal truth)".

2. Keep all Topics on the Table

The specific topics people tend to avoid during break ups depend on the individual relationship. However, they all have one thing in common.That, my friend, is that the topic (or topics) of avoidance is usually the driving force behind the relationship’s failure. For some relationships, it’s the motivation – or lack thereof – that one or bother partners feels in life. Other times it’s fidelity, sex, money, family or a host of others.

While it can feel as though there’s no point in diving into the details as to why the relationship’s failing, since you intend on ending it anyways, it’s important to address the issue. If you don’t both understand why things are the way they are, or at least try to understand, you are more likely to wind up in the same situation again further down the road. It can be painful, difficult, uncomfortable and trying – but it’s absolutely worth it and necessary to truly process this major life decision. Keep all topics on the table.

3. Act With Your Future Self in Mind

We’re often told to live more in the moment, to seize the day and to not get so caught up in the “what will be” that we forget about the “what is.” While I absolutely agree with this way of thinking, often times the two versions of yourself intertwine themselves in life. A break up is a prime example of when this happens, because who you are now and the relationship you’re in will impact who you become and your future relationships – it’s up to you to decide if that impact will be positive or negative.

If you’re tempted to simply cut and run from your current relationship without seeking truth or discussing the driving issues, I urge you to think of your future self.  Ask yourself; will that version of you end up wishing you had talked it through? Allowing yourself to feel compassion for your soon-to-be former partner is another helpful tip I can offer you. Though at times, it can really be tough, the effect that compassion has on your mind and body is worth it. Even when it’s incredibly difficult, dig down and try to find empathy and compassion for the person you once loved. It’s an invaluable ability and strong way to move towards closure.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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How to Get Closure… Without Getting Closure

Closure is something we often seek out after a friendship, relationship or life chapter comes to an end. When it comes to relationships, closure is important in order to process the separation and prepare to move forward with one’s life. However, with that being said, it’s often times one of the most difficult things to tackle – especially when an ex has little or no interest in attaining closure. Many women, and men alike, find it incredibly difficult to move forward without getting closure. We convince ourselves that once we get closure on our terms in a way that lives up to the picture and feeling we have created in our mind, it is then and only then we can move on. I wish it worked that way but so often it doesn't. That isn't a bad thing though. If we can accept that closure doesn't always happen in the way we want it to, there is freedom in that. When we put our life on hold waiting for closure to happen in a specific way, we ultimately end up just holding ourselves back from moving forward and finding new joy in life. An article I recent read described this prolonged limbo as “sitting with the meter running.” There comes a point when you simply have to say, “I’ve tried” and build your own closure with the understanding you’re simply notgoing to get it from your ex.

So, for those of us who need some form of closure to move on, how exactly do you create your own? Here are five thoughts to think on:

1. Allow Yourself to Be Sad

Allowing yourself to be sad about the relationship, friendship and life chapter that has ended is an uncomfortable and often painful step but it is necessary. Life as you once knew it has changed and will continue to change. Let yourself really feel these feelings before you move forward because if you don't feel them now, I can guarantee they will come up again in the future even stronger. It is perfectly normal to be both glad a relationship ended and sad it ended all at the same time. When people jump from being in a relationship to instantly celebrating its end, they never allow themselves to reflect on what they learned and how they may do things differently in their next relationship. Without this reflection time, I often see how it causes issues in their personal development and future relationships.

2. Put Yourself in Their Shoes

Each relationship and breakup is unique and so are its issues. So, for some people, the concept of putting yourself in your ex’s shoes and truly allowing yourself to explore compassion for them may seem impossible. If you can do it, however, you may be surprised at this exercise’s effectiveness. Allowing yourself to see the situation from the other’s side may help answer some of the questions you’ve been juggling in your mind. Yes, again, it is hard to do but it can be a growth opportunity for you to see how anger and fear can be lessened by inviting compassion into your life. Compassion can set you free, I truly believe that.

3. Understand That You Won’t Understand Everything

You likely have many questions you feel have gone unanswered. They may include why, how and when. If you feel that you lack understanding of how you’ve got to where you are, but you can’t find answers in your ex, I encourage you to move forward without them. The reality is that, even if you have received some answers, you will always be able to think of new questions or question the integrity of the information that you dohave. This cycle of questioning, doubting and anger isn’t healthy or conducive to your healing process. I urge you to accept you may never understand absolutely everything and that is okay.

4. Encourage Yourself to Not Take it As an Attack

If you’ve actively sought closure from your ex and have been unsuccessful in getting it, it's likely not because your ex doesn’t want you to have it. Sometimes if an ex doesn’t feel that closure is necessary for them to move on, they assume it wouldn’t be necessary for you either. Other times, the ex feels as though talking through the problem will only perpetuate the issues and will lead to further, and prolonged, feelings of anger and hurt they are wanting to avoid. Exes refusing to cooperate in achieving closure could also be, in their own way, trying to avoid hurting you further. While your relationship styles may have been similar, the way you and your ex process the breakup could be wildly different. Don't take it personally, just recognize you are different.

5. Honour The Good

Instead of rereading every text message or scrolling through your ex’s social media trying to discern where things went wrong, take a breath and remember to honour the good that was in your relationship. Try to associate the relationship with positive things, such as your self-development or milestones you achieved while together. When you do move forward, it’s inevitable that you’ll think back to this time in your past. If you can think back to this relationship and recognize the good that came from it, you’ll be able to avoid reliving feelings of pain. The more you can separate yourself from the negative, the more easily you’ll be able to refocus on your life and living joyfully.

Recently I was reading a quote and the sentiment was, ironically we can use the seeking of closure to avoid closure. Sometimes there's a part of us that is holding us back from closure because that would mean it's really, truly over and we have to move on.

Yes, you should take time to mourn the loss. Yes, you should process the situation and, yes, you can achieve closure. But, don’t let yourself wait indefinitely for it. I recognize it can be scary to think that once you’ve processed everything the only step left is to move on. That is okay. Life is waiting for you to move on and is looking forward to you rejoining and finding new and different sources of happiness.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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You Miss The Man You Wish He Was… And Why Those Feelings Will Fade

There’s a country song that has a lyric that’s always stuck with me. It goes a little something like, “you miss the man you wish he was.” The lyric is about feeling hurt, lonely and nostalgic following a breakup but being able to acknowledge that what you’re feeling is more about whom you wish you had been with as opposed to the person you really were with. What I find many of my clients find, however, that it’s moving on from a break up that is truly the hardest. The other day, I was speaking to a woman who had recently gone through a break up and was feeling really down about it. I asked her what exactly it was she thought she’d be missing out on in her life without him in it. She paused for a moment, then another moment, and then she realized she was stumped. She discovered she was far more attached to the physical attraction she had for him then the actual unfulfilling relationship. If you can accept that breaking up with someone certainly doesn't mean you are automatically not attracted to them, it can make things easier. Think of all the people you have been attracted to but have not necessarily been in a relationship with, now your ex is one of them. Aside from her attraction, she also re-discovered there was nothing in life she couldn’t experience without him they just now looked different. In fact, her new experiences could turn out to be better than she had imagined.

Transitioning from always having someone around and being “one half of a whole” to being single and entirely self-reliant can be difficult. That, I can’t deny. However, I believe that often times people get so caught up in the strangeness of that feeling that they start to grow falsely nostalgic; sometimes even considering trying to get their ex-partner back. Anyone feeling this way needs to remember that it’s natural and OK to feel these feelings. What’s so important, though, is that the feelings are acknowledged and recognized for what they are – romanticized nostalgia.

As time goes on, particularly when we’re feeling blue, we tend to romanticize past events and relationships. Memories make way for nostalgia and we easily begin to confuse moments of upset and disappointment for feelings of normalcy, routine and even comfort. When moving forward in life without someone we used to interact with constantly, we can feel off kilter or unlike ourselves – even when nothing about ourselves has changed.

If you’re considering a break up or have recently gone through one, I encourage you to give it time.  If you want to spend an entire weekend in bed crying, I say go for it. Don't judge yourself, just let the tears flow. The sad, crappy feelings will fade and stick around for shorter periods of time. You will find excitement, confidence and love again. What’s most important right now is that you allow your heart to feel what it’s feeling, but to remind yourself that you are just as capable, spectacular and worthy of love as you’ve ever been – if not more so.

There are many ways to mellow a hurting heart and speed your path to emotional recovery following a break up. One of the most rewarding activities I can recommend is yoga. While yoga is an incredible work out for your body, it’s also an exercise for your mind and inner self. Surrounding yourself with calmness and other people seeking fulfillment and serenity will help you achieve those goals as well. Try doing one thing a day that you love, big or small. Everyone is different so for some it might be time with loved ones and others it might be going for a long bike ride or eating your lunch away from your desk and out in the park. This will help you on your journey to achieving your “new” normal.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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